Held Family: Attitude?

Attitude. Yeah...I've got some. I'm not really proud of it. I don't love that I have it. But I can tell you this...I love it a lot less when I watch it come right back at me out of the mouth of a 5 year old. ugh. I have inadvertently created a monster, which is small and cute, but somehow still looks and sounds like me. And yet, my first instinct is to figure out what to do about her...she must be stopped. Yeah...I know. Me too.

Nobody really likes acknowledging their character flaws, right? I like to think I'm a good person. And I mostly am...but then I'm not. And it's staring me right in the face. Sydney is a really great kid. She has great manners, she's polite, she's super helpful, thoughtful, giving. Couldn't ask for a better kid...most of the time. But when the little she-devil in her comes out, it's not for teachers, it's not for her friends, it's not for company. It's for her family. You know? The people she loves the most. Do I recognize this in myself? I wish I didn't. It would be easier if I didn't have to acknowledge, that I also, save my worst behaviour for the ones I love the most.

So tonight, Sydney - in a moment of anger/frustration/super tiredness - says 'I just wish I didn't have a mom!!' Ouch. I let it go. Moved on with regular bedtime routine. She didn't get a book, not because of this comment, but because of some earlier problems understanding that 'go to your room for a time out' did not mean 'go downstairs and watch TV'. But only brief mention at bedtime of how people don't tend to forget when you've made them feel bad/sad/hurt. Saying sorry doesn't quite cut it (which she did not say, btw). So I decided to leave it alone tonight and think more about how I would 'deal with her' tomorrow. And so now I'm thinking. And it seems pretty clear that she's not the only one who needs some 'dealing with'. I don't have the answer yet, but I'm satisfied to be more aware right now of how my behaviour is influencing my children's behaviour. I can't even count how many times I've called Paul on that regarding the boys' behaviour. I wonder how I would react if he called me on it??

I have no idea where I'm going with this. Just randomly writing things down seems to be helpful in forcing myself to recognize the situation for what it really is. I am a bully in my house. And I just have zero tolerance for bullying of any kind. In particular, grown adults who are raising children, really ought to be a better example. But I've had conversations recently with a friend about bullyish adult behaviour that we see everyday. Mothers. Looking down on other mothers. Belittling. Whispering. Don't feel better about yourself because you didn't knock somebody down and steal their lunch money. It's the same thing. And yet, I'm doing it. Not to my peers, but to my family. My husband. My children!! They look to me to show them how to behave in the world and I am showing them how to make people feel small. That is just unacceptable. So tomorrow I will 'deal' with Sydney, by showing her how to be big (without making anyone else small).

Well, that wasn't so upbeat, was it?! Planning for a much happier post after Mother's Day! haha! I love my children. I love my children. I love my children!!!

Just a few pics from Easter weekend...no egg hunt pics. Just good all day outdoor fun!